Don't be my escape
by Byukio
Summary: Roppi just wants to give up but Tsuki won't let him, Roppi will do anything it takes to get away, absolutely anything, no matter how much it hurts Tsuki, he's selfish and he knows it but he just wants to disappear.


**A/N: This was comfort fic at first and then... it became.. this and I'm not sure what to classify this, it's angst. Mentions of suicide, starvation and uh I guess unhealthy friendship/relationship overall. **

* * *

No matter what it is, no matter how small—Tsuki always comes over.

A simple text of "I'm not feeling well enough to bother talking today" is reason enough when they text—when talking isn't enough because Roppi just doesn't have the right words because Roppi just doesn't know what to say to Tsuki anymore.

Tsuki doesn't know how to help anymore but he tries—he just wants to be there for Roppi because he knows, oh he knows Roppi has contemplated ending his life more than once or twice.

Sometimes Tsuki wonders how they're friends because the latter is so closed off, so paranoid, so fragile, and so afraid…?

Though the blond wishes he knew what Roppi was so afraid of.

There is a lack of motivation in Roppi, doesn't try much anymore, says the reason is because he hates people—sometimes Tsuki wonders why that is because there has to be a reason, right?

Roppi says he can never define that reason but Tsuki doesn't press the subject.

Either way when Tsuki arrives at Roppi's apartment, he knocks twice, the raven doesn't answer.

Tsuki uses the spare key—he's lucky enough that Roppi trusted him with this.

After all the raven haired male has mocked quite often how he could simply come in and murder him if he so liked and Tsuki responded in such a mortified manner.

"R-roppi, I'm here, are you okay?" Tsuki asked as he invited himself in.

There's a vague shadow in the hallway and Tsuki feels happy just knowing Roppi is still okay—he always feels happy when he comes here and realizes the latter is still alive.

It's the simplest feeling and Tsuki has said often how it makes him happy.

Roppi always laughs and tells him that's stupid.

The expression on Roppi's face would be frightening to anyone but Tsuki.

"I told you I didn't want to talk."

Tsuki knows that he was just worried that Roppi was going to do something because he's said that once before and for some reason Roppi thinks if he treats Tsuki bad enough he'll leave and just go away and to Roppi that's just another reason to end it all.

"I-I know, I just wanted to make sure you were okay…"

Sadly the raven couldn't stay mad at such a pathetic looking face for long.

"I'm fine, you can leave," Roppi says and that damn smile is still on Tsuki's face.

"I-I'm really glad that you're f-fine, Roppi."

Roppi still didn't get why.

Roppi just wanted to throw away all his friendships then he wouldn't have a need to live anymore but no matter what he did, Tsuki kept coming back.

He ignored him constantly.

He hardly did anything with Tsuki.

Yet Tsuki kept trying to ask him out, why was he in love with him anyway?

He was anything but perfect, he was awful, hateful, and he could go on for so long.

Hell, he barely understood his own emotions so how could he bother to learn the emotions and wants of someone else?

What did Tsuki want from him anyway?

"You're not going to leave are you?" Roppi asked.

Tsuki seemed so… fragile, like his words had actually wounded him; it was like looking at a puppy that had just been kicked.

"O-oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you Roppi, I—"

Roppi rolled his eyes and sighed, "Stop apologizing, I really don't care."

Tsuki knows Roppi is just being mean because he wants to be alone because he thinks he's unworthy of being cared for.

"I-I know, I just worry when you text me things… I'm afraid I'll never hear from you again…" The blond admitted and Roppi didn't understand why, wasn't that the point?

"Why do you care so much?" Roppi asked because he didn't understand, he honestly didn't, he had only started being Tsuki's friend because of their one mutual person—Izaya Orihara, otherwise, Roppi would've continued to be completely and utterly alone.

"I-I like you a lot and c-care for you, that's why."

At that explanation Roppi nearly laughed.

Why would the blond say that without reason, Roppi hated most everybody?

"That's an illogical reason," Roppi answered.

Tsuki pouted in response because how would the raven know that?

"H-how do you know t-that?"

Roppi's expression was almost frightening.

"You can't love someone that hates everyone, that's just stupid, that's emotionally unhealthy, do you know what that'll do to yourself? You can't love someone that hates himself, you can't love someone who is incapable of loving you in the same way."

Roppi stared at the blond's expression—was… Tsuki.. crying..?

"T-that's not true!" Tsuki protested because Roppi was very capable.

Roppi didn't know what to say, what was there to say?

Why did someone love him? Why did someone care?

He kept hurting Tsuki, why did he still keep trying?

"How do you know?"

Tsuki swallowed, it's stupid but he believes somewhere that Roppi is lying, lying because he is afraid of opening up and being hurt and letting someone in.

"Y-you wouldn't have given me a key if n-not," Tsuki said.

That's hilarious, he never even gave Tsuki the key, he likely asked that no good informant, none other than Izaya Orihara.

"Now Tsuki, I'm all for sitting here and listening to you babble but please don't lie blatantly to my face." Roppi only laughs when Tsuki draws back in having been caught in a lie.

"You and I both know you got that key from Izaya," Roppi added.

Tsuki blinked… Roppi was more aware of things then he let on.

"I-I just wanted to make sure you don't do anything stupid…"

Roppi laughs, god, why can't he just kill himself?

"C-can't any of that change…? D-don't you think things get better..?"

Roppi honestly understood Tsuki's reasoning but still—where was the "good" and the "hope" that the blond kept referring too?

A world where Izaya Orihara existed was anything but good.

"No."

That's how Roppi simply shot down Tsuki's argument.

A single word, just no.

"W-well, I'm not giving up on y-you…"

Again Roppi thinks that Tsuki is stupid.

* * *

Tsuki didn't leave, he stayed through the night, slept on the couch long after Roppi had stormed off to his own room, Tsuki made an effort to take the sharp objects and pills away which to Roppi was complete bullshit, why was he trying so hard?

Nonetheless, it was day two and still Tsuki didn't leave because he was worried.

Roppi tried faking that he was okay but Tsuki saw through his façade.

"I know y-you're not okay… y-you just want me to leave so you can—"

Roppi wished Tsuki would just leave.

No matter what he did though, Tsuki hasn't left.

Roppi was perpetually annoyed by Tsuki's efforts.

Roppi thinks he's heard Tsuki talking on the phone once or twice while he's been here, vague things of "yeah he's still alive, yeah I'm keeping an eye on him."

It only pissed the raven-haired male off more—why couldn't he just die?

Why was his life so important to the blond?

Why?

Roppi thinks if he just doesn't eat anything while Tsuki's here his body will eventually just die out from starvation or if he doesn't drink anything his body will shrivel up and die from thirst.

-Line break-

Four days have passed by now and Roppi has still refused to eat anything, threats of "if you come anywhere near me with that plate of food I will snap your goddamn arm, Tsuki, I mean it."

Tsuki very much likes his arm but he wants to make sure Roppi is okay, so if it were for Roppi he wouldn't mind having his arm broken.

"Y-you need to eat…" Tsuki tried reasoning.

The second Tsuki brings the food towards Roppi he smacks it out of his hand and the plate shatters against the floor.

The only thought that crosses Roppi's mind is "glass, there is glass."

Roppi goes to pick up the shattered pieces of the plate—Tsuki's hand immediately smacking his hand away.

The blond ended up cutting his own hand up in the process.

Roppi hates Tsuki or at least he thinks he does.

"Are you a moron? Why did you pick up the shattered pieces with your barehands?"

Tsuki doesn't say anything as he throws the remaining pieces in the garbage.

"I-I didn't want you to hurt yourself with them—It was the only q-quick solution…"

A quick solution that ended up messing up the blond's hand.

Roppi rolled his eyes, nothing Tsuki did made any sense.

Roppi decides he'll simply go to sleep.

* * *

Roppi thinks this is the tenth day, he's mostly been sleeping a lot, there isn't much else to do, and he doesn't want to do anything.

He just wants to die.

"R-roppi?"

It's Tsuki, he opens one eye and mutters, "what do you want?"

"You've been sleeping for eight h-hours…"

Roppi doesn't care because he wants to permanently sleep and this is like a temporary trial of death.

"D-do you maybe want to watch a m-movie then…?" Tsuki asked.

Roppi sighed; he hated this much human interaction.

"Fine."

Tsuki seems thrilled, actually Roppi thinks he'll use this of a way of "oh hey I'm totally better please leave now so I can off myself, thanks."

So he lets Tsuki pick out a movie, he sits there, watches it with him, let's Tsuki hold his hand, still the only thought on his mind is wanting to die.

"D-did you enjoy the movie?"

Roppi nods, yeah lies and says it helped improve his mood so much.

"Y-you don't have to lie…"

How dare he see through his words?

"Hey, why don't you go visit Izaya and ask him to prescribe me some medicine?"

Tsuki's expression is so hilarious because yes, he knows he's been talking to Izaya.

"W-would it really help you…?"

Roppi nods—anything, anything just to be alone again, Roppi thinks he'll go for a walk, get hit by a car maybe, it sounds nice.

Anything.

He just doesn't want to believe Tsuki loves him, he doesn't want to see this man breaking himself for him—he doesn't want to see this, he doesn't want to worry him—nothing the blond has been doing is helpful, he just feels even more trapped and alone.

Only feels more hate and resentment by being confined to this world.

"Yes, Izaya-san knows what's best right?" Roppi lies.

"O-okay! I-I'll be back…"

Thank god, the door closes and Roppi waits, looks out the window—he's gone.

* * *

"Tsuki, I thought you were smarter than that to believe he'd actually stay in the house and wait for you to come back," Izaya says and it's insulting but it's so very true.

"B-but he said—" Tsuki only wonders where Roppi could've gone.

"It was bound to happen, no harm done, if you limit humans to things they only want to die more and when you limit their ability to die, you make them crave it more."

Tsuki feels even more awful now.

"Oh, well, he's probably dead now~!" Izaya mocks and in no way is it funny to Tsuki.

"D-don't say things like that!"

Izaya merely shrugs, why? Why not, it's merely a thought, after all, Izaya knows Roppi and he knows very well what the latter was going to do—Roppi despite hating people was as predictable as any other human being.

Izaya would love to help Tsuki but he also wouldn't be so selfish to deny someone their right to die, their right to want to die even.

"Well, that's, that," Izaya says and it is in no way reassuring.

Tsuki blames Izaya—did he just introduce him to Roppi knowing very well that he'd get attached, knowing very well that Roppi was prone to suicidal behavior?

Did Izaya just want to see him suffer?

"He'll come back, h-he… will.." Tsuki muttered.

Izaya shrugged, he wouldn't indulge the meek blond's delusional thinking.

Nonetheless Tsuki would wait.

* * *

Tsuki thinks a week has passed, Roppi still hasn't come back, it's not like he expects Roppi too, he's texted him, maybe he took his phone with him…?

He waits and he waits, he doesn't want to give up—he knows that's what Roppi wants but he can't, he clings to the very idea that the latter is still likely alive.

In the end, the latter never did end up coming back.

Eventually Tsuki stopped hoping.

Maybe this is what Roppi felt?

Being betrayed by someone and losing hope in everything too, did someone hurt Roppi before?

Tsuki wonders, maybe Izaya hurt Roppi?

Tsuki's asked and Izaya's answers have always been, "no one hurt him but himself."

"I hate him." Tsuki thought to himself, he hates him for making him love him—and then just disappearing but he knows he shouldn't because Roppi is likely happier wherever he is or he hopes that Roppi is happier, he just wants Roppi to be happy.

* * *

**A/N: Up to you to decide I guess if Roppi just vanished from the city or just out right killed himself. **


End file.
